basketball courts. sunburn. wandering salty air with an abstract intent indescribable until it bloomed. to both be the flower and gardener, tiller of its soil. believer in its growth, blind faith. it being itself and its tender. these weren't her thoughts she knew but they ran circles around her in the evenings, pleasuring and plaguing her.
fuck. you fucking merged with me. then you left me. what am i supposed to do with all this life of yours that you gave me. where am i supposed to put these secrets of yours that you don't even know you have. if i throw them away they'll be gone forever and it feels damaging to life. but i don't even know where to throw you away, how to throw you away, where is the trashcan. i've tried, been trying a long time
i've danced in the desert. i've fucked a shaman for days upon days crying and whispering words and brushing my skin raw with his gorgeous attention. i've lived with men. i've loved men. i love a man right now as hard as i possibly can and it helps. but i feel you down below, in my gut, in my whole. like all that dark ocean unexplored
i heard that though. i heard that we've charted more of space than we have our own earth ocean depths. maybe i've been wrong, like humankind, eyes looking to the stars, while knowing inherently there is a core here that i'll never escape
and so she dove. she delved into it. one deep breath big enough to take her as far to the bottom as anyone ever dared to go. and when the pressure altered, slammed, then peacefully ceased on her, she, like all the expelled bubbles of a whale song, she let him go
