Saturday, December 24, 2016

What it Was and What it Wasnt *written mostly in cursive in a tiny notebook on christmas eve alone at a wonderful french david lynch restaurant bar by my house

Dad i hear your voice as we light the menorah.

Liv, liv was Jewish. Liv. This year i fell for a volatile brilliant young woman named Liv.

I got chlamydia 3 times. Maybe 4. Maybe once. I beat it then got paranoia.  When i had it, I think i just never beat it with the Azithromycin. The Doxycycline beat it. 7 days treatment, two a day, did it. Then the day i found out i beat it, a woman my own age came over that night. I told her to go stand by my bookcase, to lower onto her knees on my hardwood floors

I changed her name in my phone to Liv. Cuz her full name bowled me over. Cuz I had given it additional meaning from all the times we hadn't known each other when all i knew was her name.

When we had met, finally met, she picked me up.

I bought the pizza, she picked me up.

She wanted to meet across the street from my place. She didn't know where I lived yet and she wanted to meet, of all places, across the street from where i lived. From where i grieved. She, i maybe i told her this, but she found me grieving. I have been all year.

We got our pizza. She was in a shoulder to ankle length fur coat. I was in whatever i wore. A sweatshirt probably. Her hair was wild. She had driven directly from joshua tree high from a night on acid.

We went to a screening of a film i was in at a fancy place she had never been to but that i had been to too many times to still be this poor up sunset blvd,

I live on sunset blvd. We drove up Sunset blvd,

She told me her age. My leg shook, is the joke i tell not on stage. I don't tell any jokes about her on stage anymore

We didn't kiss that night.

We didn't kiss the next night we met. We walked to a cave.

We drove to big sur. We fucked on a rickety bed in a cabin. She was pleased i made her come the first time. She said it usually took a few times. We went night bathing at esalen, only cuz she woke us up in our cabin. I was so glad an hour later that she did. I was naked. She was in a one piece bathing suit. She didn't know why she kept the suit on, I was relieved she had seen me naked and hard already, before the night cold. The moon ached. I have never seen the moon ache like it did that night. A burnt orange step child over the deep black pacific ocean rumbling beneath us as we knew each other

On the way up we laughed so much about things like imagining a mini Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas running on an oversized grape while wearing high heels to make wine for her vineyard label, on the way down she slept her head on my lap.

How did we know each other so well

I loved her

It's why i have been avoiding writing

Because i loved her hideously,

Saturday, December 10, 2016

don juan quixote

whatever it was i wanted to prove to myself, i have proven.

and here i am now, a relative to who i was when i first began.

i mean to say, still a lonely man.

but best friends with that which used to plague me