Tuesday, December 5, 2017

mama there goes this man

You, I, worry about all the things that could happen to make it end. The uninhabitable Earth. The plague of physics at high speeds. What people can do to people. And what people can do to ourselves. And then, it all ends anyway.

This right now here and now is a recognition that I am letting my brain wander off as the confetti pours down all around me. This is me getting everything there is out of life at this very fragile moment and labeling it joy.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

And as we made love I felt your spirit and mine and I realized I loved you on every single day of your life

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

xo sio

How she makes cookies out of dust. How i make the bed after us. How we keep having less and less of things and finding more and more in each other

and how now that we have met i am already always where i wanna be

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

2 years since

My dad died two years ago today tomorrow. 

My dad died with Trump still just a joke. Not an evil joke masquerading as president.

My dad died two years ago and our relationship lives on. I talk to the guy. I was up at 5am the other day running up my hill and walking next to the freeway talking to the guy. I was getting pumped up. I did it Dad. My damn script finally got made into a damn movie. Fuck Dad. All those damn phone calls and conversations and bucks lent to me keeping my dream afloat and it’s almost unrecognizable but it finally got made.

My dad died believing in me. He wrote me this great email a couple weeks before he passed. He watched a short film I made with my brother Travis and a couple friends. He said I was good. He said I was exceptional. He said he forgot it was me acting in the film I wrote. It wasn’t me dad. It was me hiding in a story up some mountains with my friends trying to create while you were wasting away in physical form. He said stay positive in the email. 

Earlier this year I was thinking Dad I wish you could see how well I’m doing for a haunted man. Now I’m thinking Dad I’m not haunted, I’m full. I’m full and scared but full of life and living it even if it feels overloaded.

My dad died telling me to hold out for love that made my head spin. Dad, I found that head spinning love. I like her too. I know you’d like her too. It’s so wonderful liking the person you love. Like, I liked you Dad. How like it had a bunch of bad in between time for us but how you and I found each other and liked each other again.

My dad and his friend used to call each other with ideas for Seinfeld episodes. I remember hearing his laugh down the hall from my bed, when Seinfeld was airing originally. My girlfriend always brings up episodes. I call her, she says she is watching Curb. This is all early. This is all before she knows how much I love hearing it.

My dad died drugged and distant from laughter. His sense of humor shrouded by painkillers. In that pain was the humor but he felt neither those last few days. I remember helping him off the bathroom floor after he fell and couldn’t get up. I remember him brushing his teeth the day before he died, like he was going to need them where he was going. Maybe to show them during laughter.

My dad died and yet he is right here. It’s amazing how I hear him when I groan getting up from a chair even though I’m not old yet. I groan like he did, that comical groan.

My dad how nice you were. A sarcastic asshole at times but how nice you were. An ironic remove at times but how nice you were. My dad how you and I laughed when we found each other again. How we used to make fun of Lakers back up power forward Vladimir Radmanovic and his interest in snowboarding.  

I wrote this joke on twitter today cuz I have been obsessed about this crazy world Dad. You wouldn’t believe this crazy world Dad. Yes you would. You made a living trying to heal this crazy world. One individual at a time. 

Dad I made this joke on Twitter today said if I have a son I am going to name him after you dad. I am going to name my son Dad.

-Josh Turek

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Watching music videos

I wanted to ask how were you wounded

I wanted to hear an answer

I have all these visions plaguing me of all these people I've known


Recognizing in my mind

memories of times they described that just didn't sit right

And me, too oblivious to peer in,

And ask them

Who was it you were when you were there and were you wounded

And what did it become in you and

Who are you

Who are you without the wounds

Who are we when we are becoming true

I don't want to breathe anew

I don't want to breathe anew

I am tired

I am blue

I am no longer new

I don't want to

ever be new

not ever again

Sunday, September 3, 2017

El mes de mi padre

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

mother maria

Thursday, May 11, 2017

what i wrote when i wrote it

Saturday, April 22, 2017

el chubasco

Her parents met on fishing boats. She, the daughter of fisherman, Costa Ricans, Alaskans, Santa Cruzians, Oregonians, and I remembering when how she walked in through that door, a gentle daughter of light. How she said she was gonna go to the Women's March the next day or something. I remember last night and how close we could touch and how long and how deep and how enormous the bridging of our energy. I kissed her face this morning. She reached for me with her arm. The drunks on Sunset cried at each other as we held and melded and I got up and closed the bathroom window and then returned to her, quiet and calm

Saturday, April 8, 2017

how he bled black blood out of his nose and we cradled him in our arms like we had been all this time

Travis my boy

yes what is it josh

Travis my boy do you remember when

josh, yes, of course i do. i will never forget it

No but

josh i know what youre gonna say

But Travis that hollowed out haunted stare that i am trying so hard to hide that you are trying so bravely to preserve it is about--

i know what it is about josh

I know but Travis you must understand it's a miracle how you and I can still confide in each other and share space and orbit one another after all we have been thr--

josh i know. i know josh. so well. better than anyone on earth can articulate at times when i try

But Travis


Travis do you remember how

it is  on my mind constantly

How we... do you remember

i remember josh

Do you remember how we watched a man die together

yes josh. he was my best friend. of course i remember

Travis, sometimes I wouldn't believe it was real if it hadn't been the most real thing I have ever had this life to know

i know josh i know