Wednesday, February 21, 2018

orange light

my sister had a husband and she was so nervous when they first lived together that every morning she would wake up early and walk to a nearby coffee shop to use the restroom. and one night at christmas dinner they told us about this and how they didn't do this anymore. how they were comfortable they told us.

i haven't been married. i haven't had kids. i haven't been involved in any accidental pregnancies. i only recognize that i am becoming more of an exception when i speak with old friends. for my showbiz pals i am right on schedule, delayed, now moving on schedule in things.

for my friends who i grew up with i am an anomaly. i still find nights to stay out late and still put myself out there in vulnerable places to try to stretch the bounds of my creation. i still have energy and it is troubling and it wastes plenty of time realizing of itself both trying to outrun death and remain humbled toward it.

life, what a difficult proposal inherent within itself for a human being. not a novel thought, the ones who think about it a bit, know this thought. and yet we go. and yet we go. and yet we go.

not too far.

oh how grief shifts our minds

Sunday, February 11, 2018

I dreamt I took acid on a bus and drew my brother

I guess for awhile it became my calling to be filled with vapors for the antagonists.

Scratch that, it was my breeding that lead me down such a path. Scratch that, it's my back, you scratch mine and I'll scratch yours. See. That is the difference now, you see. How I am able to receive giving and soak up loving and not drive myself nuts draining myself into that acidic state beyond loving, yeah, loving.

Oh yeah, now we're rolling.

Friday, January 12, 2018

parental guidance

I talk to my mom about her breasts for an hour on the phone cuz that's where the cancer is.

The doctor says if she has to have it than this is the type to have, slow moving, doesn't appear to be spread.

I took my girlfriend up to the land I grew up on with my mom when we lived in a trailer for those few long years with no electricity in our trailer except for that 3 pronged extension cord our kind Catholic neighbors ran down to us through one of our sliding windows. And there is a real house on foundation there now and a few big mature trees that took me a second to realize were the same once small slender trees my mom had planted in that intricate garden all those years ago.

She would order the plants out of a paper book catalogue.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

free wine

So here is how it should be

I didn't write much from the heart this year

I lived from it

So much from it I can't write it

I always said there is a time to live and a time to write

I have had lead in my blood, laughter choked somewhere in my gut, a slow impulse to letting things out

As all this overwhelming lush entity floods in

And I gasp expecting something worse than these beautiful sunrises and sunsets

God Bless you America while you last

Saturday, December 23, 2017

The damage truckers on the 5 freeway can do to a relationship

We met on a rainy day in the crucibles of our own grief. We had both lost men who happened to have the same first name. Hers a year before mine and a lover not a father. But then my father was a lover too I guess, just not my lover. But he had made me that way, through loving.

And in the chaos of loss and the certainty of more of it to come butting up against all of the uncertainty as to when it would happen, we threw caution to the wind, messy like a liquid but lucky like a ridden wave. It would, we decided, be messier, all of it, to do nothing about us at all. And so we turned ourselves into that us and wrangled all the beautiful things that felt effortless like a wildflower bouquet in the hands of a child who had just crossed miles of mud to get it

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

mama there goes this man

You, I, worry about all the things that could happen to make it end. The uninhabitable Earth. The plague of physics at high speeds. What people can do to people. And what people can do to ourselves. And then, it all ends anyway.

This right now here and now is a recognition that I am letting my brain wander off as the confetti pours down all around me. This is me getting everything there is out of life at this very fragile moment and labeling it joy.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

And as we made love I felt your spirit and mine and I realized I loved you on every single day of your life

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

xo sio

How she makes cookies out of dust. How i make the bed after us. How we keep having less and less of things and finding more and more in each other

and how now that we have met i am already always where i wanna be

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

2 years since

My dad died two years ago today tomorrow. 

My dad died with Trump still just a joke. Not an evil joke masquerading as president.

My dad died two years ago and our relationship lives on. I talk to the guy. I was up at 5am the other day running up my hill and walking next to the freeway talking to the guy. I was getting pumped up. I did it Dad. My damn script finally got made into a damn movie. Fuck Dad. All those damn phone calls and conversations and bucks lent to me keeping my dream afloat and it’s almost unrecognizable but it finally got made.

My dad died believing in me. He wrote me this great email a couple weeks before he passed. He watched a short film I made with my brother Travis and a couple friends. He said I was good. He said I was exceptional. He said he forgot it was me acting in the film I wrote. It wasn’t me dad. It was me hiding in a story up some mountains with my friends trying to create while you were wasting away in physical form. He said stay positive in the email. 

Earlier this year I was thinking Dad I wish you could see how well I’m doing for a haunted man. Now I’m thinking Dad I’m not haunted, I’m full. I’m full and scared but full of life and living it even if it feels overloaded.

My dad died telling me to hold out for love that made my head spin. Dad, I found that head spinning love. I like her too. I know you’d like her too. It’s so wonderful liking the person you love. Like, I liked you Dad. How like it had a bunch of bad in between time for us but how you and I found each other and liked each other again.

My dad and his friend used to call each other with ideas for Seinfeld episodes. I remember hearing his laugh down the hall from my bed, when Seinfeld was airing originally. My girlfriend always brings up episodes. I call her, she says she is watching Curb. This is all early. This is all before she knows how much I love hearing it.

My dad died drugged and distant from laughter. His sense of humor shrouded by painkillers. In that pain was the humor but he felt neither those last few days. I remember helping him off the bathroom floor after he fell and couldn’t get up. I remember him brushing his teeth the day before he died, like he was going to need them where he was going. Maybe to show them during laughter.

My dad died and yet he is right here. It’s amazing how I hear him when I groan getting up from a chair even though I’m not old yet. I groan like he did, that comical groan.

My dad how nice you were. A sarcastic asshole at times but how nice you were. An ironic remove at times but how nice you were. My dad how you and I laughed when we found each other again. How we used to make fun of Lakers back up power forward Vladimir Radmanovic and his interest in snowboarding.  

I wrote this joke on twitter today cuz I have been obsessed about this crazy world Dad. You wouldn’t believe this crazy world Dad. Yes you would. You made a living trying to heal this crazy world. One individual at a time. 

Dad I made this joke on Twitter today said if I have a son I am going to name him after you dad. I am going to name my son Dad.

-Josh Turek

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Watching music videos

I wanted to ask how were you wounded

I wanted to hear an answer

I have all these visions plaguing me of all these people I've known


Recognizing in my mind

memories of times they described that just didn't sit right

And me, too oblivious to peer in,

And ask them

Who was it you were when you were there and were you wounded

And what did it become in you and

Who are you

Who are you without the wounds

Who are we when we are becoming true

I don't want to breathe anew

I don't want to breathe anew

I am tired

I am blue

I am no longer new

I don't want to

ever be new

not ever again