Thursday, July 31, 2014

Something Recognized

The fluorescent light dimmed and clicked off when I left to go outside. In here, my heart is doing this curious and invigorating thing. No longer does it hang as a receptacle on hollowed hook dug needy into an artificial maple. Gone is the unnatural sap. Drained or disseminated, or bullied, whatever it was, it was a natural movement. I rid myself of a drunken impulse. My heart won't act in halves anymore. Like it used to. I know cuz I asked it. It's an active, now. It tells me in strong pumps.

Electronic Tolls

I got to the Mission. Half of Dolores Park was under contruction. Then so too was the coffee shop I liked, all of it. So I walked deeper into the neighborhoods than I had before. And I arrived at a new place.

Acting on Location Far Away From Everything

Now I know the allure. It's not to be someone else, it's to dance in front of everyone while silently seeing ghosts.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Trophy Wife

My troubles began when they beat those damn Montreal Canadiens. Wally was the fourth player on his team to lift it over his head. Then he kissed it, again and again. On North American television nonetheless. I flushed red. Sure I was happy to see him winning the Stanley Cup. But those lips were mine. Are mine. Those lips are mine. How could he forget so quick y'know? Which, that's why I'm so nervous about today and all. Each player on the team gets it for one day, to do whatever he wants with it. And today is Wally's turn. And I'm worried. I'm worried he will take things too far when no one else is around. I know how men are, especially professional athletes, the way they get caught up in the moment with shiny things. How do you think him and I happened in the first place? It was by no accident that a Hooters waitress from Detroit wearing a sequined dress - that still turns heads mind you - bumped into an Alternate Captain on the - at the time - fourth best team in the National Hockey League outside of a nightclub in Colombus Ohio during a promotional event for a Sporting Goods Chain. It's been seven years since Wally and I met that one particularly humid July evening seven years ago, and I get it now more than ever. I'm not naive. I always knew there would be competition. As soon as I got pregnant with our first, I knew then it would really start kicking in, with him on the road and all, and me not looking my slimmest (it never did seem to bother him though except for the very last month). But I never thought it would be the Cup. Groupies, I know how to do things to Wally that groupies don't have the imaginations to know. Actresses, models, they don't have what I have neither. They're too pretty, they can't chop wood, put on the pads, skate with the boys when he can't. Yeah, that's right, another thing is, I've mothered his three boys. No woman can compare to what I've given him, give him. No, it's not about another woman at all. It's about the way he looks at it, at me, now that he's won.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014


He said to her:

I like getting you to a point of an abandon. Where it's no longer your history and my history and all that comes with two separate egos binding. I like when all that information turns. It happens where you leave somewhere, because it feels too good. And in my hands, I'm left with your body, it's sounds, thoughts. Activating the controls of your animate. The ways you rise and fall. How it's the two of us in feeling, giving and receiving the password to all the warming chemicals we couldn't get any other way. But that during all of it, with you heightened and honored, I can still be utterly alone.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Hey Mister Hollow Eyes

I've quit nearly all my vices. I'm down to green tea. I haven't been hiking in awhile. That time I was lost in Point Mugu, probably got to me more than I care to admit. Nature and its incredible indifference. It was likely a symbol I was chasing, cuz of all that's been going on. I was in a bookstore yesterday, not wanting to read, and thinking that there are too many. There are too many. When am I going to get to all those? There is a list hanging over my head and a bunch of cannonballs ricocheting within the walls of my heart. I've been thinking about putting it all onto paper in ink. I've outgrown my jokes for the set I have in a week. I have new material that I wanna get to but I'll be in West Oakland filming a movie. And that'll be its own material. I wanna see that new Richard Linklater film. I want to see them chart it, linear, like it's an actual path. I brought up hiking, I think, because it can't be all about consumption of media. And I'm not doing a good job of that. I think I'm looking at my phone a lot for the anaesthesia. I think that's why I'm looking at my phone a lot, because I'm without a few essential coping mechanisms. And my friend, she once told me that in the end, maybe that's all that constructs a personality, is how we cope. I thought that was interesting.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Through Telescopes

One day,
when my eyes can no longer see.
It's the words that I will miss the most.
Isn't that silly?
Out of all these brilliant things -words.
But it's true.
The way each letter has been wrangled from this gigantic universe,
and been given,
into tiny little shape combinations.