somnambulant

My brother has seen more naked men than my sister. He played minor league baseball for the Cleveland Indians and hit the showers with hundreds of naked men. We talked about that yesterday at Echo Park Lake the three of us having a picnic for my sister’s birthday. And I have been feeling so down lately, like about how making my own art feels futile. And I fight back with thoughts like, how I am most attracted to people who make cool things with what they’ve been given. And I tell my girlfriend that on the phone while she is in Kuaui visiting her brother who just had a baby. Creation, perhaps it’s that ultimate creation of making new life that’s been driving me mad, that I can’t afford it yet. That I’ve written so many thousands of words but life, but what about creating life. And so there we are yesterday three siblings in our 30s with the sun setting in our faces on a Navajo blanket eating Lassens banana cream pie and talking about the things we make and the walls we keep hammering into and how my brother says there is no rhyme or reason to penis size, that he has seen the most unexpected ones on guys who you would’ve thought the opposite. And my sister takes pictures of us with her disposable camera and we make fun of each other’s vanity and the time I stole my brother’s unattended laptop from his table at Stories cafe and how I took video of him thinking it was gone, and then I did an impression of him doing it, thinking it was missing. And I was feeling so much better, I have been so up and down lately, but I felt so much better because it was oh yeah, we forget about this amidst all the waves of loss and expectations and when our girlfriends are out of town, but love the divine healing power of love, it’s not everything and it’s not a guarantee but when it works on its own time on you it works its magic. I felt like sharing something about all that