yes i'll book u on my show

at this point i merely want a girlfriend so i can shut the fuck up about it. and i just think it's so hot when a woman is composed of matter and space. and i don't like how i worry about every fragile person i've ever connected with. especially cuz branches of my empathy are tangled in with my ego.

cuz it was beautiful like that

there is a man next to me at this cafe. he looks like a black mark twain. and he is writing something on his old white mac laptop. and he just took out a new container of figs. and he tore off the plastic seal liner thing. and then he opened the lid to the figs. and i stopped looking after he moved his delicate fingers toward the first one. cuz it was beautiful like that.

recipe idea

3 cups of watching her go. 1 and 1/12 tablespoons of regret. 3 shots of tequila. 1 post on the internet about how you're sad about it. 4.5 tylenol with codeine. 10 days of antibiotics. 3 days of i'm going to get it together. 1 bad phone call. 1 worse phone call. 1 non sensical email. 1 apologetic voicemail. 1 hospital visit. 3 days in the rain. 2 bruises on your face. 1 night spent sleeping in your car. 1 night spent sleeping your car. 1 night spent sleeping in your car. 12 years of adulthood as defined by law. 14 lies. 100 mg of $%^&$. 50 mg of $^&*$. 1 foaming mouth. 4 convulsing limbs. 8 seconds of unconsciousness. 2 flashes where you saw the light. 2 flashes where you saw your life flash before your eyes. 18 minutes in solitary confinement. 27 years in a medieval dungeon in a former life. 1 time your friend climbed on top of a pay for parking kiosk on the beach raising his arms high and yelling like a fucking sorcerer, as the sun climbed down the ladder behind him, and nothing much happened.

are you there god it's me margaret

my friend lily was reminding me of non local intelligence. how a split atom will change itself identical as its other side without the motion in between evident. now i sit in front of my computer and think: it is non local intelligence when someone else is on the screen and we are talking and nodding and agreeing and having orgasms together. from different sides of the world. and i'm not doing that now. i'm just thinking of it as an example.

cuz i wrote about it in my book. when i wrote my book. i was preoccupied with absence. and i didn't put it that way then.

but the greatest presence in my life right now is absence. there is so much presence to absence. it's overwhelming. and rich. like my dad's friend marty says about the sad stuff, it's rich. i don't think he was talking about absence the times he said it. but that's what i mean.

brought to u in part by

her name. she will be beautiful. she will tell u how good things come undone but that she knows how to tie important things back together. she will say something about how these lives of ours fold onto themselves and yes they are brief and yes they are wondrous because of it.

she says she lost god. then recognized her own one. then created a temple inside the spirit world she'd long been inhabiting.

she says she likes biting u. she says she likes ur tongue inside her. she says the way u do that boy, mm.

i'll have her glitter in my beard.

swim out past the breakers and watch the world die

I awoke to haphazard scratch marks on my back. Like elegant claws. Last night I drove home with the windows down. My hair was cutting my eyes in the wind. In the Silverlake hills I left her house. A song by Everclear came on the radio. I was raised in L.A. of that era. Driving around the city with my mom, crazed, trying to make our lives better, listening to music like that. And, last night, before I got into my car, she knelt behind me while I put on my shoes and she caressed my shoulders, back, chest. And before that, we were complimenting each other. And before that, we were hungering into each other like animals fed on this kind of nourishment. I drove into her and she drove onto me. And in between we talked about things like birthdays. And before that, she hand rolled a cigarette while we spoke of death and birth and abortion pills. And it's nice when you can get into the ugly with a person, open hearted, cuz often it turns beautiful.

And when I drove home, I felt, finally I felt, a tinge of the magic that I love about this city.

found in my notebook

Loss prompts us to do things, Love prompts us to do things. Oftentimes these two forces battle & defeat each other & it'll probably be that way for a long time.

a deleted facebook post

We broke up just before that Adele song popped. We didn't know it would be so overplayed. So we identified. Like, suckers. But I didn't find someone like u. Never mind. There was an actress who I exchanged words like - love - with.and a Swedish/Nicaraguan beauty I kept at arms length until I needed her and she rightfully fled. So no the song was false but it was played over and over again. And now I'm outside a food truck waiting amidst the spilled lettuce for a chicken shwarma. And I am, yeah, I am Carrie Bradshaw. And all my friends are doing blow. And I wish nothing but the best for the Foo Fighters.

one line or two

i still haven't cancelled my dad's wifi. not cuz i'm looking for a signal. i just haven't done it.

venice blvd.

Don't smile at me. I'm a wolf.
He said.

I know. She said.
That's why I smiled.