but make him a cool man mama

Doctor, what is it called um...what is it called when you feel like you wanna cry all the time but can't cuz it's like on the tip of your tongue. The crying. Like the same kind of feeling as having a needed word on the tip of your tongue only it is wanting to recollect a surging of emotion with vague tears that won't come. What is it called?

Because and, before you answer that question, I would like to tell you that I keep feeling that way Doctor and I don't know why. I don't know. It feels flat out in the world Doc, it feels like a handful of chunky meat that is rotting in my hand the longer I gnaw on it and have to carry it around with me Doc. It is feeling flat.

(cough)

(cough)

Where was I? Oh. I know. I was out with someone and I wanted to steer our conversation toward how futile it all is, and feels like, but she wasn't even on that plane Doc, she wasn't even on that plane. She was sad too but it was on an entirely different plane. Like, I don't remember it exactly. Something about buying into the permanence of life plane. How awful, right Doc? Her flat plane unlike mine but still awful. How horrible. How terrible that like a stack of pancakes our dimensions of discontent are all piled misunderstood on top of one another in flat planes of pancakes.

I don't know. It makes me worry. It makes me sick. It makes me so aggravated Doctor. That we are all trapped inside of this thing. This thing that we are all trapped inside of and going to lose to no matter what, HOW FAIR IS THAT? To start a game you know you are going to lose. It is like---

Huh? 

Oh.

The medical marijuana card? 

Yeah I know that's what I---

I mean but you're still a doctor right? So couldn't we just talk about this before we get to that? 

No I get it. Turn em and burn em Doctor. Hey. No. It's a living right?  

It's a living.