i know you said she was spoiled and obnoxious and she closed her eyes in a smug way when she was talking but she enchanted me. she enchanted my life. she was so fucking precious to me for awhile and i still miss her. i hate her for entering my world and i deeply deeply miss her for leaving.
and love like ancestry is a series of improbable events. a couple of glasses accidentally touch in a bad excuse for a sports bar and then lightning strikes and a storm follows and a world that was hidden in the infinite darkness of possibility springs forth into the one and only world you ever want to know.
you wanna know what a relationship is? what it is and what it becomes...realizing that the screen saver on my phone is a picture of you walking down the shoreline at dusk. your figure dark, pacific ocean at your feet, the grey muted earth apparently moving, while a life exists entirely dependent on the belief of two people involved.
because you grow this beautiful love and see how much of it you can preserve. and i would've loved to read all the letters you said you wrote me but were too afraid to send.
and in adaptation we were fixated on donald's line at the swamp. and like magnolia i now have all this love to give and nowhere to put it. and eternal sunshine i can't delete you because relationships as tumultuous, life affirming as ours, make us who we are, give us reason to care for this existence and all it's painful beauty.
and i keep having these dreams with you. one the other night where i'm walking around dolores park waiting to improbably bump into you. and another where our truth spills out in the most honest of ways.
and one time i left you in the morning and ran down the beach and jumped over the most incredibly wide storm drain river that had been slithering into the ocean. i ran and leapt to it's other side and the distance was further than i ever could have imagined clearing, but i did. and i likened us to a swimming pool analogy when we first got together and something about being shown the deep end. it was too stupid to tell anyone about and then time passed and eventually i made you everything to me and i'd resent any moments you weren't.
and then my friend and i were talking and she wondered why i was sad and i told her that i hadn't been through anything more than anyone else, i've probably just spent more time examining it. and this sadness, this fallinginlovewithsadnessthing is boring i told myself, it's time to find a new thing. and i think i just needed a little more time to be alone. and it's important to find a new thing. the hemmingway line.
and if you and i were to become sand right now, we would intermingle and become indistinguishable.
