swim out past the breakers and watch the world die

I awoke to haphazard scratch marks on my back. Like elegant claws. Last night I drove home with the windows down. My hair was cutting my eyes in the wind. In the Silverlake hills I left her house. A song by Everclear came on the radio. I was raised in L.A. of that era. Driving around the city with my mom, crazed, trying to make our lives better, listening to music like that. And, last night, before I got into my car, she knelt behind me while I put on my shoes and she caressed my shoulders, back, chest. And before that, we were complimenting each other. And before that, we were hungering into each other like animals fed on this kind of nourishment. I drove into her and she drove onto me. And in between we talked about things like birthdays. And before that, she hand rolled a cigarette while we spoke of death and birth and abortion pills. And it's nice when you can get into the ugly with a person, open hearted, cuz often it turns beautiful.

And when I drove home, I felt, finally I felt, a tinge of the magic that I love about this city.

found in my notebook

Loss prompts us to do things, Love prompts us to do things. Oftentimes these two forces battle & defeat each other & it'll probably be that way for a long time.

a deleted facebook post

We broke up just before that Adele song popped. We didn't know it would be so overplayed. So we identified. Like, suckers. But I didn't find someone like u. Never mind. There was an actress who I exchanged words like - love - with.and a Swedish/Nicaraguan beauty I kept at arms length until I needed her and she rightfully fled. So no the song was false but it was played over and over again. And now I'm outside a food truck waiting amidst the spilled lettuce for a chicken shwarma. And I am, yeah, I am Carrie Bradshaw. And all my friends are doing blow. And I wish nothing but the best for the Foo Fighters.

one line or two

i still haven't cancelled my dad's wifi. not cuz i'm looking for a signal. i just haven't done it.

venice blvd.

Don't smile at me. I'm a wolf.
He said.

I know. She said.
That's why I smiled.

5:39 am

Listening to an oxygen machine upstairs. He used to sleep with his doors closed. We decided that changed two nights ago. Damn I'm gonna miss the Super Bowl he said yesterday. It's all metaphor. You begin to adore pop culture for the relief it brings in shiny glimmering metaphor.

I think our greatest accomplishment is that we all found each other cuz love redefines time. 

It is in evidence. I hear him gently clear his throat. Like he always has and will.

sep 22

my dad watches people's court. my dad cries. i hang on his every word. you're gonna get me goin. like for clues to eternity.

follow up

brave ants. damn they're courageous. travelling far and wide to find the water droplets in my bathroom.

it was a dandelion that adorned the left side of her back. too captivated by the way she arched it to discern the first time.

it's here. lick your fingers.

it's here. sit on my face.

i massaged my dad's leg. i gently worked the doughy dense fluid into shape. the ligament. bone. my hands finally peaceful to heal with only love unclouded. he said i have nice hands.

it hurts. sometimes it just hurts. and our only job is to feel it and get a few good ones in. before it hurts again. no telling when that next one will be. only how we meet it. whether an instant or a biblical travail like Job.

the ants got sprayed. then we left em alone i think. i don't know. i don't have the heart to tell the ants to leave. cuz you know, nothing novel here, but sometimes i feel like one.

no horse with a name

https://vimeo.com/139593720

v.g.

Her dad was a private airplane pilot who flew away. I didn't handle her much better. And I think about it. She called me once later. Told me she'd been meditating. Said something about my hair. That she loved it. She used to tell me I looked like a lion. That's a nice thing for a man to hear from a young woman.

The thing is, I don't remember how to spell her last name. Even if I did. She could be married. She could be lost on purpose. She is nowhere on the internet that I can track. She is nowhere on the westside where she used to be. UCLA. Bad Brentwood bars. Her work. I don't remember where that was either.

She lived with her mom in a one bedroom apartment in Van Nuys. I liked speaking to her on the phone. She would purr when pleased. Actually purr. It would've been weird if she weren't Eastern European. No, it still was weird. And I liked that about her.