i'm fine

My liver is fucked at the moment. From food poisoning, too much drinking this year, or Tylenol. They don't know. It's not that bad, but I can't drink until the next test. I can't consume any food either, not without it bubbling up in my chest, a separate problem that I can't take medication for cuz of the liver.

No problems on this earth are really separate.

And it's difficult figuring out how to be a human being without the little creature comforts of consumption. The food, the drinks, whatever we rely upon as crutches against time and space. And it's difficult figuring things out knowing that whatever I really am will be jumping ship from this body at any moment. I guess that's what's so miraculous about people, our ability to so intimately know of our impending demise while still innately feeling compelled to live. So I'm exercising more, I'm drinking apple cider vinegar and water with every meal, probiotics, and I'm not eating anything after six pm. And it's helping, it's helping, a little bit at a time, and for awhile, it's helping. And that's a damn fine thing, staving off defeat. Anyway, I should get out of my parked car now. I've hated Sunday nights for as long as I can remember, and I'm grateful to complain about it.

oh man look at those cavemen go

I'm like 28 and I've been listening to the Bewlay Brothers by David Bowie on repeat for days and days and I can't stop listening to it

I get like that on songs sometimes, I get stuck

And there's this Swedish-Nicaraguan girl I'm seeing. And her and I are all dreamy eyed for each other cuz she's leaving to go home soon and cuz I still have a week before I find out that my dad has cancer

And one morning I'm taking her back home from my apartment to the house she's been rooming in with a peaceful Sikh family who has a little blonde boy who is in love with her

And I'm driving us up that hill that wraps around the Santa Monica Airport's southern end into Ocean Park I think the street is still considered Walgrove

And I turn on the Bewlay Brothers song again and it sounds crisp and is pitched clearly

And then she reaches for my hand and she holds my hand

And I feel placed

And after that moment I don't need to play the Bewlay Brothers on a loop anymore cuz now it found its location in my heart indefinitely, with her hand on mine

"And so the story goes they wore their clothes they said the things to make it seem improbable..."

on the darkest day of the year

She asked who took care of me

And on this winter solstice of a winter solstice of a year I remember fondly that for one ripened second it was you who did

an airbnb in venice

As my dad was in his bedroom slowly saying goodbye to life and his skin and his habits and his dear friends and his nervous family and his not yet ready to go attitude and his still alive with no actual date or approximation of time as to when he was going to leave his body I was laying in bed with a lovely naked young woman thinking about how I was at one of the heights of living and celebrating life's pleasures no matter how sad it was is or was going to get and there he was alone in his bed in the middle of the night and I wouldn't have even called her a young woman in my mind had I not thought of him

meh

More people are dying than being born in many countries in Europe. Trav said something, about how our animal sense can feel it's not time to make more on this planet. I liked that.

A driver went forty miles the wrong way up the I-5 this morning before crashing into another car and killing all involved in fiery flames. That's what was said on the radio this morning.

ash wednesday

i keep quoting a woman who doesn't exist outside my mind until she becomes the words i attribute to her. but she is not a her. she is a me. i am a her. i am a me. but this one woman. a real one. i never found out if the cats that crawled around her place were hers or what. she has this young married couple that lives with her and reads harry potter to each other in the living room. and she, i don't know, something about her is my muse. cuz we could talk about things like abortion pills and shit and just live in it.

i've been looking at the blue of the sky more lately

if i lit a match the guy next to me would catch fire. what i'm saying is he's drunk. he shows me his scratcher just this moment "i just won twenty bucks." oh, nice man. i tell him a little too patronizingly. i haven't been drinking much lately. nothing to celebrate, no impending demise, no dreary depression. it's none of that. at the moment.

fishman and lang and the damn money

it's silly. why is it silly. cuz this doesn't matter. don't say that. i woke up numb ok. ok. my feet were like dead stones. ok. and all the waiting is driving me nuts. it's driving me absolutely insane. so stop waiting. look at it like living, not waiting. it doesnt have to just b on your terms. life doesn't just have to happen only on your terms for it to happen. yeah, maybe you're right.

2:10am

We lay in bed. It's a mattress on the floor. I've always liked a mattress on the floor. Sometimes I wonder if the floor isn't nature's best box spring. She kisses me. Tells me I'm not funny but that she likes me. I wonder if not finding me funny is essential to being attracted to me initially. Like we have to be taken seriously first before entertaining the alternatives. I wonder this as I'm getting up from off the mattress on the ground. I wonder it as we're saying goodbye. I wonder about it as I'm wondering why they always seem to be reconstructing every freeway on-ramp in Echo Park, always. I wonder nothing anymore driving alone down Figueroa at 2am, a championship parade of one. The Lakers won't be doing it for awhile. I might as well be celebrating something of my own, even if it's just a memory I have of once seeing The Phantom of the Opera downtown when I was a kid. I had never been inhabited by voices that loud and melodic. And the musical wasn't funny but I liked it.

A Celebration of Life

We were in Mexico
no we weren;t
Ok we weren;t but it is an allegory
for wha;t
We were in Mexico. The waters were crystal clear. My father was in a Snuba helmet. It began filling up with water slowly. He almost drowned. His friends brought the vacation pictures of it, yesterday.